Q. What's the difference between Kevin Leam and a bucket of shit?
A. One is a receptacle full of excrement, the other is a plagiarist and liar. If you can't tell the difference I wouldn't send you to deliver a restraining order.
Q. How can you tell when Kevin Leam is lying?
A. He's breathing.
Q. What's the similarity between the Pamplona festival and a visit from Kevin Leam?
A. The amount of bullshit you have to clear up afterwards.
Q. What's Kevin Leam's favourite song?
A. 'The Boxer' by Simon and Garfunkel. Because of the chorus that goes:
'Lie-l-lie
Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
Lie-l-lie
Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
L-l-l-Lie.'
He thinks it is good advice for anyone.
Q. What's Kevin Leam's second favourite song?
A. 'Liar' by the Sex Pistols
Q. What's Kevin Leam's third favourite song?
A. 'Orville's Song' by Keith Harris and Orville. It just is. He likes to tell people that Orville is a close personal friend of his.
Q. Why couldn't Kevin Leam fill in the job application form?
A. One of the questions began 'In your own words...'
So he just told everyone he'd got a better job, as an astronaut.
He did this by copying extracts from the autiobiography of John Glenn but inserting his own name. In the parts when John Glenn became the Senator for Ohio, he cleverly replaced 'Ohio' with 'Nottingham'.
Q. What did Kevin Leam say when he shit the bed?
A. It wasn't me, it was the bed-shit fairy.
Q. What do you get if you cross Kevin Leam with a rhino?
A. God knows, but it'd be worth it to see him being fucked by a rhino.
Q. What did the shark say to Kevin Leam when he fell in the sea?
A. Nothing, it just chewed his fucking face off.
Q. Why did Kevin Leam cross the road?
A. To buy a new computer mouse, because he'd worn out the right-click on the old one with copying and pasting. He was run over halfway across and had to hop around everywhere like a bunny for the rest of his life.
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Kevin Leam.
-Kevin Leam who?
-Kevin Leam the renowned writer, pop star, stand-up comic, film actor and inventor of penicillin.
-Oh.
Q. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
A. Waking up in the morning as Kevin Leam.
Q. What's worse than waking up in the morning as Kevin Leam?
A. Waking up in the morning next to Kevin Leam.
Q. What's worse than waking up in the morning next to Kevin Leam?
A. Waking up in the morning next to half a Kevin Leam. Like if he had split himself in two or something, and one half was glutinously adhering to the ceiling, dripping nameless ooze, grinning down at you weirdly and telling you about the time he was in the SAS.
Q. How many Kevin Leams does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He lies in bed and lets his Mum do it. Then when his Dad comes home he goes, 'Look, Dad, I changed the light bulb, aren't I great?' Then his Mum says, 'Ooh, you never, I did it!' Then Kevin Leam says, 'You lying whore! It was me, me, it was all my work! Don't believe her evil lies.' Then his Mum says, 'I can prove it, a dozen people saw me do it, and one of them video-taped me doing it, because we don't have much else to do around here.' Then Kevin screams, 'Lies! Lies! They're all against me! It's a conspiracy! Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?' Then his Mum says, quite patiently, that in point of fact he is the liar and he should go to his room and think about what he did. But he continues to rant, and then someone advises his Mum to leave it, because the boy has problems, bless him. So his Mum ill-advisedly leaves it. Two years later when everyone has forgotten about the whole thing he tries to do her for defamation.
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