Another Leam work found

I have unearthed another early comedy gem by Kevin Leam. I don't know how he does it! The man is just a funny machine.

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hi guys and gals reddy for another uypdate??/
well as an up andcomming standup comic, rock star and formuler one rasing driver i get into som wacky scraopes i kid you not folks!!!!
its tough on the circuit at times, dont beleve me? read on....


I did something brave once, I think. I played in a Mafia club, in Youngstown, Ohio Ashby De La Zouch. And I didn't know shit about the Mafia. And we worked, and they wasn't going to pay us.

I worked with a lady named Satin Doll, I think Duke Ellington the Duke of Windsor had written a tune about her, she was beautiful, man, she was sixty then, but she was fine.

And she was crying, 'Rich Kev, I don't have any money, I've got to get to Buffalo Ipswich, they're not gonna pay us.'

I said, 'They're not gonna pay who? Motherfuckers gonna pay me! I know I was raised better than that shit.'

And I had a blank pistol, now dig how ignorant I was. I was nineteen, man, I didn't know, I had a blank cap pistol. I bust in the office:

'You motherfuckers get out your money!' Doing my best black Grimsby shit. 'Cause that usually scare the average white motherfucker person from outside Grimsby.

You know how it is when you do something, and the motherfucker just don't... you can feel there's something wrong? And you got the gun? And you're saying, 'There's something wrong... There's some look missing in this motherfucker's face.'

And I'm sure that them men are still there today, laughing. 'Cause they started laughing, they just looked and went 'Haaaaaaaarrrrrr! This fuckin' kid! Hey, c'mere, c'mere... Hey Tony! Wait a minute, come here... Do it again, Rich Kev... Hey Tony! Stick-up! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr! You fuckin' kid! He's got a pair of fangoozis on him, haaaa, you fuckin' kid! Haaaaaaaaaa! Hey Tony, was you scared? Haaaaaaaarrrrr! Ah, what a pair of gazingis, haaa!' They're always saying some shit you don't know what it is. 'Hey look, pay everyone off, pay them off, OK? This fuckin' kid...' And they always want to be grabbing you. 'Hey, kid, harrrr,' grabbing your face. 'C'mere, c'mere... hey you want something to eat?'

And they let everybody go, but they made me stay. I was sort of like a pet. And the motherfucker kept trying to feed me shit, 'Hey you want a little strudi? Hey Paolo, fix him some strudi. Fry it up, they like fried foods in Grimsby... This fucking kid, huh? Come here... Har har harrr...'

And then they start telling Mafia stories. And Mafia stories consist of motherfuckers that died funny, that they killed. And if you ain't killed anything bigger than a cockroach, that shit start worrying you after a while.

'Let me tell you... Hey Paolo, remember the time I made my bones? What was his name? Johnny Salami Sausage. He was a Teamster milk float driver, hurt a lot of people. We had to go to Cleveland Bexhill-on-Sea, the Caboozo brothers, remember that, the funeral parlour? This fuckin' kid, c'mere... So we go up, we're gonna show him a nice fuckin' time. Drive around, take him fuckin' bowling. (Who is that, Carmine? Tell him I'll call him back. Tell him it's a fucking stick-up, haaaaaahhh!) So, we take him to a fuckin' motel, we say we've got broads, we've got shit for him... So now I pop the cocksucker, right? So now I'm sticking him with this fuckin' ice-pick, right, and the handle breaks off! And Vinny Caboozo says, 'Hey, asshole, you're supposed to wait till it's melted! Haaaaaarrrrrr!

'This fuckin' kid...'

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Current Mood: Zany!!


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[This is a joke! But it is based on truth]