1. You are semi-literate at best. What's the best way to plausibly con people that you are someone you aren't?
A. Pretend you are the last true heir of the Romanovs?
B. Tell people you used to be in Chumbawamba. You are in fact the forgotten 37th Chumbawamban who was ruthlessly sacked just before they became famous. You used to stand on stage and beat two sticks together, but when they went on Top of the Pops only 36 of them could squeeze into the van or cling on top of it, and, in spite of their Marxist aim of providing employment for every musician in the North of England, you had to be left out.
C. Put your name on articles by witty, urbane, erudite writers who, unlike you, are able to punctuate and spell, and hope no-one will find this strange? And claim to be in a band, have done stand-up, appeared in films, been to the moon, etcetera.
2. Assuming that you have decided to big yourself up by plagiarising other people's writing, who is it most sensible to steal from?
A) Dead and obscure writers?
B) Rich famous writers?
C) Internet humorists, almost by definition twisted and hate-filled men with too much time on their hands, who could make you a laughing stock in countries you've never even heard of?
3. You are caught doing this. How do you respond?
A) Man up and take your punishment. Apologise to the people you deceived and stole from and finally start to grow up and live your life right?
B) Weasel your way out of it, think you've had a lucky escape and resolve never to play with fire again?
C) Lie like a government minister to everyone around you, carry on plagiarising as though nothing had happened, and eighteen months later do something to annoy a bitter and hate-filled internet humorist even worse, going on to poke a sleeping bear and stick your hand in a wasps' nest for an encore?
4. Which of the following statements do you agree with?
A) Truth is objective and the cornerstone of a civilised society and any meaningful human interaction.
B) It is difficult to suppress information on the internet.
C) I am the centre of all things and external reality is subject to my will. People can be indefinitely lied to or cajoled, pouted, guilted, whimpered and whined into pretending to accept my version of reality and my unethical behaviour because they feel sorry for me, and will not one day snap and tell me what a loathsome and childish shit I am. Any hurt or damage I cause to other people is supremely irrelevant so long as I am never brought to account or forced to face myself. There's a sucker born every minute and you can fool most of the people most of the time. I really should go into politics one of these days.
Or alternatively:
Hurrrrr! Heeeee! Nurrrrrr! Guhhhhh. Lie! Me lie! Me trick the ladies so they will like me! Hurrrrrr.
Is funny. Me is CLEVERRR. Hee! Me like to lie. Nnnnnng. Buh.
Results:
If you answered C's YOU ARE COMPLETELY LEAM.
(I wonder if it would be possible to persuade young people to start saying 'That's so Leam' instead of 'That's so Lame'? I am not sure. Whenever teenagers see me coming they tend to move away quickly, especially the girls. This makes me sad.)
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